Once upon a time there was a boy named Mark. He was thirteen when he died.
Yes, this will be a sad story.
After he died, Mark came to vestibule that said “Eternity: Up & Down.” Muttering to himself that this didn’t look anything like pearly gates, Mark entered.
A gruff man in a white suit, with a nametag that said “I’m Not St. Peter,” greeted Mark.
“Where you goin? Up or down?”
“Up.” Mark said, never more sure of a decision in his life.
Not-St.-Peter chuckled. “That’s what everyone says.” He handed Mark a clipboard. “Fill that out and we’ll see.”
Mark sighed, disappointed that piles of paperwork was one of the few things that made it into eternity. He began to fill out the form. Name, age at death, address. It was all the usual fields.
Then there was one that caught him off guard.
“Excuse, mister. It asks if I’m gay or straight.” Mark said.
Not-St.-Peter nodded. “Yup. Easy one, huh?”
Mark stared at the two little boxes, both begging to be filled in.
“But I’ve never even had sex.”
“So? Answer the question.”
Mark didn’t want to answer the question.
“Look,” Mark said, “I’m a Christian. I love Jesus, I even sing at church. Why do I have to fill out this form? I thought it was a sure thing.”
“Used to be.” Not-St.-Peter said. “Then Fallwell got up there and started raising a fuss. Now we have a form.”
Mark sighed. “I don’t know how to answer.”
Not-St.-Peter sighed back. “Do you like boys or girls?”
“I don’t know. I guess I’ve always kind of liked boys more. Maybe both?”
Not-St.-Peter snatched the clipboard out of Mark’s hand, quickly checked the box marked “Gay,” and pushed Mark into the elevator.
“Going down.” He said.
The door closed before Mark could protest.
And down he went.
I warned you this was a sad story. Wait, why are you laughing?