Thursday, January 1, 2015

"The Man Who Broke Supergirl's Heart" A Review by Johnny Cannon

Hello all! I've decided to do a semi-regular (meaning whenever I feel like it) review of comics from fifty years ago. Only, I won't be doing the review. Instead it will be the superhero obsessed kid who stars in my book, The Troubles of Johnny Cannon. Considering his story is set fifty years ago and he actually read these stories, he's probably a better authority. So, here goes:

Hey y'all!

I'm real excited to talk about Action Comics #320.

It's a real humdinger of a story, what with Superman meeting up with - say what?

Oh, you want me to talk about the OTHER story that's in there? The one about Supergirl?

Oh, all right.

Well, the story is called "The Man Who Broke Supergirl's Heart," and right there you know it's going to be as sappy as a tree. But, since you're itching to hear about it, here goes.

It starts with these alien fellas flying to earth, and they're scheming for something.
I mean, I reckon if they're willing to be knocked out for a century to avoid questions, you know they're scheming to take over the universe or something.

Anyway, they arrive and they set out to find Supergirl. But they ain't looking to kidnap her or nothing. They just start scanning her brainwaves, and also her folks brainwaves, to get an idea of what she cares for and what her preferences are when it comes to things.

And why would they do that? Well, it's cause they want to know what sort of fella she's most likely to fall head-over-heels for.
I don't know what makes that fella so darn special or nothing, but whatever. Anyway, once they've figured out what she'd like the most, they make themselves an android that looks exactly like Supergirl's dream date. They give him the totally normal name of Randor, then they set them up to meet by having him get stuck in a cave and, when she comes to save him, putting kryptonite in there so he winds up saving her instead.
I'm gonna have to use that line with a girl some day.

Anyway, eventually, they meet up again and he reveals that he's a prince from another planet. He invites her to be his queen. And, since Supergirl is such a smartypants, she says no at first, but agrees to visit. Once she visits, though, she decides to become his queen anyway, just like that. She didn't even care that she was abandoning earth. Dadgummit.

So she goes and sits in the queen's throne, and then this happens.
See, them dadgum robots, you just can't trust them.

So all the power gets taken away from Supergirl and given to that fella with the bad haircut and the mustache. Why did he come up with this scheme? Real simple.
Yeah, she ain't nearly as concerned with the fact that this fella just stole her powers cause he was bored as she is that her dreamboat is an android. But I guess you got to have your priorities.

Anyway, the fella tells Randor to get rid of Supergirl, and he reckons Randor will do it cause he ain't got no feelings to speak of. But jokes on him, cause Randor DOES have feeling to speak of, and he came up with a whole scheme from the very beginning.
Well then, ain't that something? So Randor tricks the fella into sitting in the power-stealing throne and gets Supergirl her powers back. But then some fellas shoot Supergirl with a death ray, and since she got her powers back, the death ray bounces off her (cause death rays act just like bullets) and hits Randor.
Which I reckon is about the saddest thing you've ever seen in comics, ain't it? And you know Supergirl got real mad about it, too. Cause this is what she did to them fellas that started the whole dang thing.
Yeah, she done marooned them on an uninhabited planet. Dadgum, she just sent them to starve to death or kill each other or whatever, she don't even care. They done hurt her little robot buddy, so she's gonna hurt them something fierce.

Well, I reckon maybe Supergirl ain't so bad after all.

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